


Till I feel better. .

by Surisun



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, anne dies, hurt Philip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 12:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9122647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surisun/pseuds/Surisun
Summary: Philip is facing the life after he lost his mom but having the prove that he is not alone and there are people around him who care..





	

**Author's Note:**

> My first work in this fandom..  
> Hope you guys like it ..

The thing about anger that is blinding and destructive. .people say things that they aren't supposed to say , some of which are true but it is the kind of the truth that bring more damage than benifit, so it is not supposed to ever be spoken, and some of things that find their way out in an anger explosion are not even related to the truth, but in the middle of despair, most people need someone to blame..

When Helen told Philip that his mom didn't make it, rage took over him..the sum of long years of accumulated anger seemed to add up and explode like a bomb .  
He Yelled at her, told her she was a liar, he said that it was her fault, their fault, the whole stupid town and stupid police and stupid FBI .His blood was boiling inside his veins and he kept asking her to say it was a sick joke or something, but she didn't. And when Gabe tried to touch him , Philip didn't allow him or anyone else to get close , the hospital staff started to gather and some nurse appeared with a needle in her hand , but the moment he saw her he freaked out and moved back till his head hit the wall with a loud thud. Suddenly, all the walls were closing on him, and he was in a nightmare that he couldn't wake up from, voices came from everywhere but nothing made sense. He didn't care who was calling him ,pleading him to calm down, the bubbling anger behind his skin was fueling him to fight like a cornered wild animal, he was suffocating and breathing was impossible. He trashed a small metal trolly in front whoever was approaching him and took of running like he never did before. .

Sometime latter, he was in the middle of nowhere, no idea how he even made it there only caring that he can scream and scream till he fell down to his knees and broke into loud ugly sobs..  
........

The thing about grieve that is quiet but also destructive. 

Anger made him hate everyone but grieve made him hate himself, blame himself, wish to die..  
He was trapped inside the memories where his mom's presence was more important than life, her voice sweeter than music and her touch healed every little cut in his soul.  
He couldn't justify a life without all of this so death seemed to be a reasonable alternative,  
He was sure that his death wouldn't take or add anything to anyone's else life, even Lukas, because if Lukas survived losing his mom before he would also survive losing him too, even if it was going to make him little sad , he would understand that Philip just couldn't be as strong and brave as he was when he lost his mom , so he would come in terms with forgiving him , or so he hoped... eventually. .

He knew that his mom might not have been the greatest mother or the greatest person in the world by any means but she definitely didn't deserve to die, not like that ..he was the one who witnessed the shooting and didn't tell Helen what he saw so if anything, it was him whom deserved to die .  
He lay in bed and waited for death to come because he didn't have the energy to actively kill himself, it was another side effect of grieve , not having energy to move, eat , or sleep , but just mostly feeling numb and uncaring...

Fatigue. .or something like that..

Even when Gabe and Helen came to his room every day and brought him his fevorite take out Chinese, and even when Lukas called and Philip ignored his calls..

Philip ignored everything and every one..

........

Lukas found him wrapped in a bed devut and sitting on the floor with his knees in front of his chest in the room corner.

" Philip "

He called but didn't receive an answer, so he moved slowly towards him, hesitant shallow steps so not to scare him .  
Philip eyes were looking to the blank wall in front of him like it was the most interesting thing in the world.He didn't even register Lukas hands on his knees and his shy touchs that drew small circles on top of his devut covered limbs ,  
" Philip "  
Lukas stood between him and the wall , filling his visual feild, but still Philip still didn't react to his presence  
"Hey man talk to me, are you alright? "  
It took few seconds till finally, the pale boy eyes fluttered for a moment before they refocused on Lukas face,  
" Lukas " he whispered, barely moving his lips,

" yeah..it is me"

" what? ...what are you doing here? " 

" you weren't answering your phone and I was so worried about you. .every one is worried, too, you know, Helen and Gabe"

Philip looked at him for few seconds like he wasn't understanding what was being said, then mumbled " I am cold"  
Lukas moved to his side and brought the wrapped body to his chest, moving his arms up and down his lover's back in an attempt to warm him,  
" why don't we go downstairs and grab something to eat , Gabe told me you didn't eat anything in the last couple of days,"  
Philip's eyes were closed but he wasn't a sleep , still ,Lukus didn't know if he was listening at all ,

" come on, Philip. .help me here" 

The words " help me" spooked Phillip, he looked at the blonde boy with wide eyes and clenched the devut in his hands which Lukas noticed immediately,  
" Hey , calm down Philip, I am sorry babe, I didn't mean anything bad , I am okay, both of us are okay "  
He cursed under his breath and vowed to be more careful in choosing the right words around Philip next time, it will take a while at least till the broken boy snaps out this state of mind, and Lukas knew he should take care of him.

He sighed, 

" come on, let's move ...nice and slow.."

He wrapped his arm around Philip's waist and started to move them , but then Philip squirmed away from his arms and took a step ahead ,  
" I can walk by myself " he said , even when he almost tripped in his own feet, he insisted on walking down the stairs by himself, his slow uncoordinated steps and occasional pauses taking forever . Lukas patiently followed in silence. .. Half the way down stairs though, Philip stoped , the devut around his shoulders slipping down once his hands relaxed around it, his breath picked up suddenly and even though Lukas couldn't see his face from the top of the stairs ,he could easily sense the sudden change in his boyfriend'so demeanour,  
" Philip, what is it? ! Are you..." He didn't have the chance to finish the question before Philip's knees buckled and he stumbled with the folded devut around his feet, falling down the remaining way till the end of the stairs.

Lukas froze ... Everything slowed down around him and his eyes could see only Philip's body rolling on itself till he finally stopped , laying there with his face down and and his left arm absurdly bent under him.  
" P- Philip !" He whispered then started running down taking 2 steps at once,

" Helen ! Gabe ! " he screamed, finally finding his voice,  
" Helen! !please someone HELP !!"

Hurried thudding was coming louder when he finally reached Philip and started to turn him slowly, taking extra care to not move the bent arm as much as he can .His heart started beating vigorously the moment he saw how pale and clammy was Philip, his hair drenched in cold sweat and his fingers trembling slightly,  
" what happened? !!" Came Gabe panicked tone while his hands brushed Philip's hair frantically, Helen was pointing her gun to the top of the stairs , putting herself between them and what she thought was the source of danger ,  
" th - there is N-no one , Philip just fill dawn the stairs " said Lukas fighting his tears ,  
" he w-was walking slowly but he stopped suddenly and just fall....down" 

Helen put her gun down , and crouched next to her husband before she looked at Lukas assuring, "Okay sweetie , calm down we are going to make sure he is okay "  
Lukas nodded , relieved that the adults were here now and they could fix everything , he gave them all the space they needed and focused on his own raising breaths. 

" I think he is hypoglycemic , God..He didn't eat anything in the past 2 days" said Gabe as he lifted Philip's legs up , Helen put her fingers on his wrist and started to count his pulse  
" Lukas sweetie, run to the kitchen and bring me a glass of water with 2 spoons of sugar in it , come on, harry up " 

Lukas jumped to the kitchen , doing just that. Helen looked at Gabe and shook her head ,  
" His arm is broken.. "  
She fought for not to slam something hard 

"Shit! How the hell did we let this happen? !"  
............  
Another trip to the hospital..  
Alot of crying and alot of apologising. ..  
....................

Finally , The thing about recovery is that it's slow and full of setbacks. 

It was all about living one day at a time. Putting all his mind in what was between his hands in that exact moment, not the past and certainly not the future.  
In simple words , he had to learn how to create the sort of reality where his loved ones didn't exist and still he can go on with living . .  
He learned that any kind of recovery can only be achieveed by adaptation, not forgetting, no ,adaptation.  
It meant waking up on the morning and knowing that he was still be missing someone terribly but he doesn't have to quit living just yet .That it is okay to take a shower and have some breakfast and smile just a little while he still misses them. Some days , the burnning pain in his soul was too much to deal with though, so ,these days he would accept his grieve winning this round and just lay in bed and cries till Lukas comes and kisses his tears away.  
Some days he would be watching a movie with Helen and Gabe till some song or some movie scene starts playing and he remembers how his mom used to love it so much, and his eyes start to water without being aware of it , then all of a sudden he is full force sobbing and shaking and both Helen and Gabe are turning off the TV and hugging him while whispering assuring nonsense in his ears.  
He wondered how could they be utterly forgiving all the time? And that taught him another thing about recovery that it's easier when you have people who care about you ..  
Because it was easy to give up to Lukas trying to pull him out of his room and put a helmet on his head so they ride through Tavoli's empty roads to the city almost every other day , or even when they sit by each other in the bran till sunrise while talking about little silly things that made Philip laughs more than he wanted to admit.  
Because Lukas ,selflessly ,was there all the time..  
Holding his hand and giving him a shoulder to cry on in bad days , making these days pass rapidly before they started to get fewer and fewer .  
He was his saviour in a way... but when Philip told him that, Lukas hold him close and told him that they save each other. . He was saying this alot,craving it in Philip's mind and making it a believable fact as much as any of the other scary thoughts . After some time, Philip evantually had to accept that maybe his life didn't mean to come to an end now...maybe it was not a betrayal not to feel bad all the time!  
Gabe and Helen asked him to live with them permanently and to come back even when he go to college. He asked them if they were sure and told them that they don't have to do it but they insisted .Gabe told him that they are doing this because they wanted to , because they love him! and Helen hugged him and kissed him on his forehead like he was her own child, and even though she wasn't his mom , she was nice and guniene and he felt safe with her around.  
He grew up in the most difficult way and always thought he won't live long anyway, but suddenly life was giving him a break, allowing him to recover .And he knew his mom would've liked him to take this opportunity and become better, he knew that his mom loved him and he also loved her and loved making her happy and right now, him being happy would've made her happy so this is how he decide to live, and this is what he fights for from now on. .

After all ...A lot of people died for him to be here... and after all he has Lukas, Gabe and Helen. 

He feels better. .


End file.
